it's been a long time. that anonymous-secret-comment-post scared me a bit, i'll have to admit. i don't know maybe i won't do those anymore.
so i guess the first order of business is to say that i moved! well half-moved. brian and i are now living in a 200 year old schoolhouse on a historic cemetery built on an indian burial ground, in this tiny town about an hour or so from the city. it's so amazing. it's white with chipping paint and lonely porch lights at night and trees everywhere. and deer, i saw four deer there the other day at dusk and everything looked like it had a green photoshop filter over it, like everything was covered in this green shroud. and it gets so dark out there. the other night brian and i were moving stuff in and i sat down on the van and looked up at the sky and there were all these stars. no orange light pollution glow anywhere to be seen. and there's so many trees. and we have a really big front yard. we live at the top of this hill with this long path that goes down to the road, and in the front yard there's a big old tree with a chain hanging down from it that looks like it once had a tire swing hanging from it. maybe we can attach a new one. and there's plants all around the perimeter of the building that are from the last person who lived there. she liked to plant flowers i guess so maybe they'll grow again. and if not, maybe i'll make a garden. i don't think i'd be very good at it but i guess i could try.
and when we look out our windows we look right out over the cemetery, which only has really old broken stone graves and one from a kid who died fighting in the civil war when he was sixteen. it has one bedroom and a living room and a kitchen and a bathroom of course, plus a whole basement to hide in if there's ever any tornadoes. brian is going to use the living room for his recording studio and he says i can decorate the bedroom any way i want. and the kitchen has checkerboard white and black floors and the ceilings are really high and the light that comes in is really nice and it's so cold, even without air conditioning or anything, not like my apartment in logan square, which was 90 degrees in the dead of winter. it's pretty much the exact opposite of that place. actually i'm there right now, getting easily distracted from packing. i suppose the city was okay for awhile but i think i'll be really happy in this new place. the town is so tiny and pretty blue collar. it feels so much better out there. driving fast down roads through tunnels of trees and the wet rush of the leaves passing through the air when you go by with the windows down. and it smells so good. like a campfire in the distance and like the molecules of whatever makes up air are farther apart from each other, like open pores of oxygen, unlike the city where the air feels so heavy and hot and hard to breathe and tight when it goes down to your lungs. and i live like five miles from my mom now, which is nice because i can see her more often. i'm worried she gets lonely even though i don't think she does, i still worry about it, especially since my grandma died and all. and we're less than a mile from the train into the city, just in case i ever want to go wander around downtown or go to a museum. it's pretty much the most perfect place in the entire world and if you couldn't tell i'm real real excited about it and so genuinely happy about this situation it's kindof unbelievable. i suppose those of you who know me will think i'll get sick of it and start feeling displaced and complaining eventually, and maybe you're right, but i don't really care right now. i am so excited to go live in a pretty schoolhouse in the forest and be a hermit for awhile. lately i've been feeling like i have to impress everyone, and that everyone i know is disappointed in me, even though i have no real reason to think that. just maybe that i am selfish and typical and boring and everyone has grown very tired of me and my antics. i'm just going to learn to ride a bicycle and ride it all over the town every day. and then come home and read a book and drink mint juleps on the porch with my boyfriend. in rocking chairs. with mosquitos all over.
so with moving comes a new job, which i just got today. i'll be working at ups store, that wraps and sends packages and things. it will be nice i think, a nice and quiet job for the most part. i hope i do well. this means i'll be leaving the dog hotel which i'm really sad about. i'll miss the dogs a lot and there were some nice people there for the most part. i've been thinking i'll try to work just sundays there for awhile, take the train in. but i'll probably get sick of that real quick and end up quitting for good. i don't know, i don't like the sound of that, but it's probably what will happen. and also with moving comes the potential of going back to college, though it would be community college this time, which is just fine with me. i'm actually really excited and i hope i can go. it probably sounds weird, but the thought of doing homework is pretty thrilling to me right now. and learning about things and writing papers and being in classes and maybe making some friends, but i don't know about that last one there. but i think overall life is working out and going in fantastic directions. i am very hopeful and excited. especially about brian. i feel silly writing love things here for all to read, but i hope i can say without jinxing anything that this relationship is looking promising and good, in the purest, truest sense of the word. not beautiful because it's doomed or anything. just beautiful for the sake of being beautiful, and amazing, and he's like my best friend, for real, and wow i seem to get stupider and simpler when i start talking about that so maybe i just ought to stop and end with this is the kind of love that's going to last, i think, i'm pretty sure, i know.
anyway, when i get a chance i'll take some pictures of the house and post them. we don't have internet there right now. but i can't wait until i get a spare minute to take lots of pictures.
he said this place is his dream place, and it's mine too, and i really like that he thinks that way. so many people we talk to can't understand why we want to get away from the city, why we didn't find it exciting to live there. i only lived there for two years, but maybe i know enough about it from that and i've figured out that it's not the place for me. it's weird that when i was sixteen all i wanted was to live in the city. i'm slightly afraid that i don't like living anywhere, and all i really like doing is escaping, or having something to escape from. but i have to keep trying to find the perfect fit, and i'm pretty sure this is the closest thing to it. and i know sometimes i will feel trapped or isolated, i acknowledge that, but i will always try to keep in mind that my heart just gets fluttery sometimes, my muscles get twitchy and anxious to run, and just to keep running won't ever get me anywhere except really out of breath. but that's such a good feeling sometimes.
this is still my favorite thing.
Comment anything that you want, and post it anonymously. Anything. A story, a secret, a confession, a thought, a fear, a love, an opinion -- anything. Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post twice if you'd like. Then, put this in your LJ to see what your friends (and perhaps others who you don't even realize read your LJ) have to say.
i have a habit of wanting to rescue people from their boring wretched wasted lives and thrust them into enlightened forms of existence, sparkling and drenched in sun glares, but i really should stop assuming people want or need to be saved in the first place. i seem to think that no one has thought to search for secrets in a forest, or found redemption in the windows rolled down, hands making tidal waves of air currents and weather patterns rushing by. it’s like i want to think nobody knows about the brilliance found in barren beaches in winter, or what it’s like to lose your heart and eyesight in the blur of carnival lights. it’s like i want to be this magic girl who takes you back to playgrounds at night and makes you stand on the edges of bridges overlooking dried up canals and expects you to feel something, but maybe you don’t feel anything, and that’s not your fault, but mine, for wanting you to so badly. i want to teach everyone to waltz in dusty light in dim basements, to come out of comas only because of the color of the sky, to run through corn fields and to know as their own the wilderness in the hearts of horses. but not everyone is banking on a wish, or walking on a dream, waiting for a line to be cast in their direction, not everyone writes messages on their hands or picks up strings off the ground, wears them around their wrists for secret meanings. not every man who doesn’t wear his wedding ring has a reason not to do so, sometimes it’s just so your fingers don’t break.
i went to missouri for a weekend, to visit a friend at his college. it's probably a sign that there's something off about me when i'd rather be in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere than a big exciting city, that i find old farmhouses and sonic drive-in restaurants more exciting than places to go shopping or concert venues. i don't know what it is, but i'd rather walk around a town with small buildings it takes 20 minutes to see than be surrounded by giant skyscrapers and streetlamps instead of trees. i'm starting to realize i don't know why i'm here anymore and my legs feel stiff and like a breaking point, like horse legs about to go through opening gates, like i could jump at any gunshot and run. friday night when it was very late we drove out down a gravel road, and it's so dark out there, i'm not used to seeing such blackness, just orange glowy skies from light pollution, which feels so fuzzy and warm, not thick, and black like oil or spilled ink bleeding over fences and horizon lines. at the end of the road there was a thing they call the train bridge, where you stand on the railing of a rickety wooden bridge and lean over and wait for trains to come and speed underneath and the air current they bring pulls on the edges of your body and you feel like you're getting sucked over the edge, down onto the tracks below. that's a good feeling. we walked around a lot, and once in a giant rain storm, and got completely soaked, and watched movies and i had a really great time and i would rather be in a country town some more, instead of this big dumb old city. it was an eight hour bus ride each way, and on the way back i ended up talking to a really nice stranger the whole time about spirits that govern time and chaos magic and pointed out every empty farmhouse out the window on the way. unfortunately i left my camera battery at home. but i want to get out again. i have finally come into some money and all i want to do is go places. i could sit on transporation vehicles for hours and hours and i wouldn't care one bit. i'd stare out a bus window over at a computer screen any day.
this probably sounds conceited and bad, and maybe i'm the only one who notices things like this, but i think it's weird when an ex boyfriend ends up dating a girl who is like another version of you immediately following your breakup, like cari 2.0. it's happened a handfull of times for me. like, a girl who appears and acts very similar to you. i don't get it and it sortof makes me uncomfortable and i can't exactly grasp why yet. after breakups, i tend to go for radical opposites. or at least in my mind they are, maybe to everyone else they all look exactly the same. anyway, the art show went great, i think over a thousand people came, both days total. it wasn't just for me, of course, and i was really nervous and mostly just sat in a chair by my art most of the time, as opposed to mingling and talking with viewers, but it was really nice and i hope i get to have another show some day. i haven't taken any pictures since the ones for the show and i really need to get out and do so soon.
i wish i had a car and could drive more than anything. but i think it's probably good i don't, sometimes i'm pretty sure it's the only thing that keeps me from bolting. i am so sick of the city. brian says that after he finishes these two albums he's working on, we can take a trip somewhere together, and i can't wait, i really can't. i wish i was excited about summer, but i don't even notice that it's going to be happening soon. it's different when you're not in school and you can't feel the oncoming of an ending. just work and boring things as far ahead as you can think. i wish i had a lot of friends, too, that's another thing i wish for. lots of people i could spend a lot of time with, but it feels like all my friendships are flawed and everyone has huge amounts of resentment for me built up inside of them. i don't know how i fuck everything up. maybe it's in being afraid. but it's probably just that most people i meet think nothing of me. i have to admit i am sortof afraid of moving out to des plaines (or another suburb) with brian in august. i am so afraid of being isolated again, like the summer of 2007 when all those strange events occurred and i became bent on survival and knee-jerk movements and nothing else. moving out to a tiny town where i know no one. at least in the city i know people and i have those options. it's not like i'll be that far away, but i don't want to hurt brian like i did andy, i don't want my life to become a pattern of summers that repeat themselves every two years, i don't want to make the same mistakes over and over again. i don't want to get lost in myself, i am just very very afraid of allowing myself to be tied down again, even if it is to the boy of my dreams and even if i'm more prepared for it now than i was then. i just don't want that to happen again and while i am so excited about looking for apartments in pretty neighborhoods, it's this thought that's at the back of my mind that's warning me against it, that i should stay in the city longer and be a regular young person with fleeting relationships and searching for meaning in the backs of used bookstores. that i'm not ready to grow up, but i think i am and i can handle it now. still, i'm just afraid.
in this entry, there is going to be a lot of complaining and wanting to crawl into a fort made of big soft blankets and dim lamps and hide and only be friends with people who live in books from now on.
it's annoying how things can only be really great for a little while and then all the bad things have to happen all at the exact same time. my grandma has maybe 24 hours left, i'm sleeping in a cement room and i wish i was better at poetically describing things because this is one of those things that should be poetically described but all i want to do is be angry at everyone for every bad thing that has ever happened in the history of the world. and i don't want to die, because i don't want to drown, when you watch how people get smaller and shrink under hospital blankets, how skinny old people's legs look, you know it has to be like drowning, or like sleep paralysis, when you're stuck because your mind's part awake but your body won't move and you're suffocating and you're trying so hard to speak, to scream for help but you can't because you're suffocating, that's why, because your arm or the pillow is over your mouth or something. dying is probably like that, dying people breathe like their mouths are full of water.
and i don't think i'll be going back to college, again, this year, of course because of lack of funds and the fafsa that doesn't make any sense and my parents who are simultaneously stupid and selfish with money. i don't want to work a shit job at minimum wage forever but with the way things are looking i probably won't be able to do that, even. i want to be a normal kid who goes to a nice university and has nice friends and does homework and writes extensive papers on obscure movements in literature and doesn't have to worry about big world things for at least another year or two or three. i don't want to live in bad neighborhoods anymore, i want a back yard.
i have my first ever art show on the 17th and 18th of april and i am really really nervous. it is going to be in rockford in this giant old brewery, and the idea is that four photographers (one being me) from rockford who like to take pictures of abandoned things are going to take pictures of the place and that's going to be the show, our four different takes on the location. i'm the youngest and the only girl. we also get to show our other pictures not of the building. and maybe sell things. and i'm really nervous. i wish people were going to be there with me, but brian is a very busy person with lots of work to do and all my other friends have parties to go to and stuff. maybe my parents will come for a little bit. it's okay though, most people i know live in chicago or faraway places anyway. i'm just really nervous though. but i think the only people who actually like my art are people who live faraway and don't know me personally, and all the people who live close and know me personally don't like my art because they don't really like me for some reason or another, or something about me bothers them, so the people who know me don't want to come and the people who don't know me do. i don't know what it is, but i think a lot of people i know in actual life don't care for me too much, not even my family or anything. but it's okay. i'm just really happy i get to have a show.
escapism is starting to creep all over me again. i'm spring-loaded, i want to jump from tree branches.
this is what i look like:
should i dye my hair goldish blonde + strawberry blonde/reddish highlights
or dark brown
or something else?
i want to be a driver of things at night, i want to feel the memories of the road as they ache down my spine and the wheels creak beneath the balls of my feet, i want to know what it’s like to be a beacon of light, a symbol shot through the night, a hope contained in two glimmers whining across an asphalt road, a lap steeel guitar. i have known love i have known it to sleep in my hands and fall from my grasp i have known no other things. i will swim in a lake, i will know the world and to count the castles in the air, i will live for the gold in your hair, in the sun, as it shines on your face and on the outlines of mine.
i went to a party and i didn’t feel bad, i left early and i have work in the morning but maybe i will make soup or captain crunch cereal. my boss lifted my skirt at work and it was funny. my ex boyfriend keeps a knife in his boot, he clasped it in his back pocket and opened the blade when he saw the man i left him for, at the bank, in a small town where i used to live. i will not be afraid. my scarf is red and my lips are chapped and i will fall asleep in the passenger seat of the car of every boy i have loved, i will close my eyes and my head will be cold against the window pane, the black sky reflection will blanket me in down feather star lights. i am in love with a boy and i couldn’t be happier. i will never be more beautiful than i was at my greatest tragic moment, blissed and poetic, a girl in a gingham dress with my hands above my head, around your neck, my tongue between your lips.
(i'm drunk, sorry.)
- Music:great lake swimmers
i want to remember the morning when brian and i were waking up in bed and the first thing he said was, "we should get married."
i also want to remember the morning when brian and i were waking up and i was wrapped up in the sheets and the first thing he said was calling me pet names that were actually taco bell menu items, and he called me his "little seven layer burrito" and then continued to name each of the seven layers: epidermis, dermis, subcutaneous, and then i don't remember what else, but there were seven.
i'm really tired of being friends with people who aren't happy for me when i am happy. i'm tired of thinking that people i am close to secretly hate me when things are going well in my life. i have a nice boyfriend and have achieved moderate success in various photography-related things, but i feel bad about it. i realized that's not good at all. i feel like a total jerk for nice things happening to me, or at least i feel like a jerk for being happy that these nice things are happening to me. it might all just be in my head, but it seems like friends and former loves are starting to feel resentful towards me for ..i don't know, shit finally working out for once? i don't know, this is awkward to try to put into words, but all i'm saying is i think it's really fucked up when you can't be happy for someone you care or once cared about finally settling into some level of content in their life. i hate that i feel like i'm bragging when i talk about things that happen to me that i think are total miracles, that i'm truly and genuinely excited about because things were complete shit, there, for awhile --2007 to 2008 was one of the worst years of my life and i'm so incredibly grateful for all of the wonderful things that have happened and turned my life around. not everyone has to be a miserable teenager for the rest of their lives. sure i'll always be restless and anxious to move onto something bigger and better than ever, but i'm happy, and i like being happy, and i don't like feeling bad about liking being happy. i don't know what i'm doing wrong, that's making (or at least making it seem this way) a lot of people in my life act strange and distant to me, but i wish it would stop. a lot of the time i just want to move to a new city and start over and make new friends who don't want me to be a miserable wreck forever, people who don't find solace in some sick sort of sympathy, i don't know, people who don't make me feel bad when wonderful things happen.
i'm not saying everyone i know is like this. there are a whole lot of people who are really great and i don't want to move on from them. it's weird, i think i've grown up insanely fast in these past few months. but i still feel bad for feeling good about myself. is that fucked up? i don't know. but don't worry everyone, i still scratch massive wounds into my skin and throw up my dinner afterwards. i still hate myself a lot and it's okay.
anyway sorry, i'm drinking a little bit right now, which results in being a bit freer with my words. my words are so clumsy these days. i still want to write a story for once in my life. though i am really excited to begin an awesome project which i am going to keep a sortof secret until we have it figured out more. it's going to be a sort of photo-fairy-tale! also there's these two stories that just keep following me around everywhere and just for sanity's sake i should pound them out of my head by writing them down, but i still feel so shaky with words. i don't know how i ever was a creative writing student.
brian and i are house-sitting for a friend of his family right now, in this suburb called palatine. or inverness, a suburb of the suburb called palatine. it's a house the family built themselves and there's a lot of grass and trees around, and a park nearby. we are watching their very old dog named lexie. or lexi, or lexy, or something. she is a german shepherd and collie mix and she is very nice, and i like staying in this big house not in the city, i don't really want to go back to my apartment. i like my apartment, but, you know. being somewhere new is just horribly entertaining for me even if i'm not actually doing anything. i kindof want to draw a picture. maybe i'll do that. i'm scared.
wow i don't know, writing all of that made me feel angry and energetic. i don't like feeling so full of power.
anyway my external hard drive crashed recently, as i may have mentioned before, so i lost all of my mixes, which was very devastating. i am in the process of re-compiling them all, so until then, here are a few songs i like that i hope you will like too.( songs, lyrics, informaton under the cut..Collapse )
for some reason i can't keep my room clean for more than 38 hours or something like that. it's rather obnoxious. i own way too many things. i rearranged, though, and now my bed is right next to the windows, and i love that. it's like i'm always sitting in sunlight. and i put my giant wicker screen at the foot of the bed, so it makes this little enclosed space when i'm on my bed, and that's really nice too. i want to get some gauzy fabric and hang it from the ceiling above my bed, so then it will be even more like a nice soft enclosed space. but i really should clean it, and the only real reason i'm writing this entry right now is to stall. i'm so good at stalling. i have a million things i need to accomplish but it seems like i never get any of them done. granted, it's hard to really do anything when i'm sick. i have an obnoxious head cold and it just wears me out, and i get exhausted after every tiny movement. it's frustrating, especially since the weather's been so nice here lately. warm, well, warm for chicago at least, and so much sun. anyway i'll probably clean after i finish this entry. then maybe sometime i'll take pictures of my room so you guys can see. i really really love it --with the exception of not having bookshelves or a dresser of some sort, which i really need --it's really great to finally feel comfortable somewhere i live.
anyway, so a lot of things have been happening. brian moved in, somewhat --he'll be going back to barrington for work, but he'll be here with me most of the time, and that is amazing and i am so excited to go to sleep next to him and wake up next to him too. i did a photoshoot with a local (and pretty well-established) photographer named saverio truglia. he even took a picture of andrew bird for rolling stone! i modeled for him, with giant albino snakes! it was an amazing and incredible experience. i got to meet lovely people and lovely snakes. it made the idea of the photography industry less terrifying. you can see one of the pictures at his website here
, with one of the smaller snakes --the other was like, 12 feet long and nearly 80 pounds! it was so fun though and i was not afraid. the snakes were super nice. i think the picture turned out really great! also, a lady from a canadian graphic design company contacted me and asked if i would like to work with a clothing store called aritzia. they're based out of vancouver, but they have locations all over the place --even one in chicago. basically what the store does is support up and coming artists by using their artwork on their bags, gift boxes, gift cards, website, and in store, and well, they want to work with me! of course i said yes and everything's pretty much in order for that now. so, six of my pictures are going to be in aritzia stores and on their bags and stuff and everything! and not to mention, they're paying me $1,000 per image. so... super fucking stoked. that money is going to change my life, i have never ever had that much money in my life ever, and i will have earned it all myself and ahh wow i don't know. i can't believe this is happening. i've been trying to keep quiet about it because i'm afraid of jinxing it, but i just can't keep quiet anymore, so i hope nothing horrible happens and they don't back out at the last second. they already sent me the contract, so i guess i just have to sign it and.. yeah! ohmygosh, i'm so excited, ohmygosh.( just for the heck of it, here are the pictures they"re using.Collapse )
in other news, i had an internet-impersonator. some girl on deviantart was uploading my pictures from flickr and claiming them as hers. and the scary part is that she was pretending to be me! like, saying her name was cari ann and she lived in chicago and stuff like that. obviously i called her out on it, but it was so weird. it was sortof funny and sortof.. really weird. haha. i don't know what to think about the whole matter. i think she reads my livejournal, too, because she had copied some of my entries and posted them on deviantart. i don't know, it makes me feel like an internet celebrity and i don't think that's a good thing.
oh, also, a graphic designer made a book of my pictures for her final project in school! she basically made a new edition of lolita
by vladimir nabokov with my pictures. it's basically the coolest thing i have ever seen. you can see some of it on her flickr page
--the first 13 images are of the book. there's a whole lot more pages and maybe someday i will take pictures of them.
okay well enough stalling, i should go be productive i suppose.